I’m finding out that growing up with trauma requires grieving and a lot of it. So I’ve been listening to my inner child tell me what she needs. That way she stays close and trusts me and doesn’t hide away. I use these reparenting check-in sheets from Adult Children of Alcoholics often. They are truly beneficial and the online meetings are great too. They help me to feel connected to others who are going through the same thing.
Some days my inner child gets triggered by current circumstances. When that happens, I connect with her during my meditation time and bring all of it to the arms of Jesus where He holds me and loves me and keeps me safe. Other times I am just feeling anxious and I ask my inner child what’s wrong. She doesn’t always know, and I tell her it’s ok to not know and then she cries and holds Cubby.
This morning I realized there is a sad and scared little 8 year old girl inside of me who has been trying to run the show for 48 years. Wow, what a trooper!
She let me connect with her in a deep way and told me why she had to take over. It was the only way to protect my other little ones from being hurt. Because before that she depended on her Mommy and when she was 8 her mommy was taken away from her by her dad.
It started with the phone calls behind the closed bedroom door. Before long, it was Dad saying “I have good news and bad news.” So she realized it today and told me about it and cried. I want to love her and be gentle with her. I’ve been criticizing her for 48 years. She really needs a break.
I entrusted her to the Holy Family and St Therese. I watched her as she crawled into the laps of Joseph and Mary with Jesus. She’s going to stay there for now and heal. Eventually, she will come out and play with St. Therese. That will be fun.
I just love Father Walter Csizech’s Prayer of Surrender. It fits so well for people who are recovering from the effects of childhood trauma.
Lord, Jesus Christ, I ask the grace to accept the sadness in my heart, as your will for me, in this moment. I offer it up, in union with your sufferings, for those who are in deepest need of your redeeming grace. I surrender myself to your Father’s will and I ask you to help me to move on to the next task that you have set for me.
Spirit of Christ, help me to enter into a deeper union with you. Lead me away from dwelling on the hurt I feel:
to thoughts of charity for those who need my love,to thoughts of compassion for those who need my care, and to thoughts of giving to those who need my help.
As I give myself to you, help me to provide for the salvation of those who come to me in need.
May I find my healing in this giving.May I always accept God’s will.May I find my true self by living for others in a spirit of sacrifice and suffering.May I die more fully to myself, and live more fully in you.
As I seek to surrender to the Father’s will, may I come to trust that he will do everything for me.
Today you feel sad because your family fell apart. You feel confused and you blame yourself. But your parent’s divorce was not your fault. You are Longing to be a member of a loving, supportive, peaceful family and we are that family!
On this day, September 28, 2020 We are adopting you Little Lamb. As you go through this journey of reparenting we want you to know that you are safe with us. You can trust us completely. We will not abandon you. We welcome you into our hearts and take you as our own daughter and sister. When you are afraid, you may run to us.
We are truly honored to be entrusted with your beautiful soul and will do everything we can to comfort, heal, and nurture you. We especially want to encourage your creativity and help you to have the freedom to learn and make mistakes. We neither judge nor expect anything from you. We simply welcome you as part of our family and embrace you as our own.
After my parent’s divorce, I began to long and search for a true home, a true family where I could love and be loved unconditionally. Being only 8 years old, I didn’t have a lot of places to turn. So I stuffed away that wounded little girl who wasn’t allowed to cry or be sad. And I escaped into TV Land. I watched all the family shows of the time, all the time…Partridge Family, Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prarie, and The Walton’s. They each presented a version of family that was intact, happy, and peaceful. So when my own family was shattered, sad, and violent, I always had my TV families to run and escape to. they welcomed me with open arms and I needed them.
Fast forward 40+ years later as I begin reparenting. What is wrong? Why am I so teary? As I learn about the inner child through ACA and other informative sources, I realize that she’s been hiding away for a long time. She’s stuck and wants to come out and find her real family, her true home. My adult self/loving parent knows who and where that is! It’s the Holy Family! I don’t have to run to any fake TV families to find my acceptance. I can run to the Holy Family Jesus, Mary, and Joseph who are just waiting to take me in, love and console me. In the next post I will entrust myself to the Holy Family by writing a letter of welcome and adoption from them to me, a letter that I imagine my inner child would like to hear from her true family. Maybe you would like to join me and write one of your own?
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Actually the journey began more than 50 years ago and now is a time for allowing my true self to emerge and show me how she was injured along the way. Why?? So she can be healed and set free to love and be loved more gently, more completely. Our time on this earth is short my fellow traveler, let’s make the most of it while we can!